How Did I Get Here?

I wish I could blame the last year on Mercury Retrograde but since that only last three weeks at a time about three times a year, I really can’t.  Plus I am not really into astrology like that.  It does appear however that each year during certain times of the year I suffer tremendously.  The suffering comes in many forms but typically it is emotionally and financially.

I have always been the person who could offer up some pretty awesome advise about life, finances, credit, relationships, etc… but I was not living those words.  My life was actually spiraling downward.  I mean in the last 5 years I have moved 5 times.  I have lived (currently am) with family, uprooting my 2 daughters and putting them in rather uncomfortable living arrangements.  We’ve had to share rooms, sleep on air mattresses and just make the best of bad situations.  I’ve had utilities disconnected several times and had 2 cars repossessed.  I have often asked myself what impression am I really leaving for my daughters.  I am a single mom who makes a somewhat good income but I can’t sustain a stable household.  I have pockets of time where everything seems to go very well and life happens like a well oiled machine.  But it just takes one thing to knock it all off balance and I have been having the hardest of times to get it back together.

The hardest part for me is not having someone to really talk to.  I always feel like I am in a box all alone.  I do have a best friend whom I have had very good conversations but sometimes it is hard to talk because she does a soft push of her Buddhism on me.  I have nothing against her walk with religion but it is similar to Christians pushing prayer and faith onto me.  Don’t you think I am praying… Please know I have a lot of faith… I do believe that it will get better…  But in the actual moment of struggle it is a hard pill to swallow.  It is hard to deal with the disappointment look of my kids when they come home and the water or lights have been cut off… Or to wake up, get ready for work/school and the car is gone because it got repo’d…  I have felt like GIVING UP…

So I am here again… In this place…  I just want to get back to comfortable… I just want to be a mother her kids can look up to… Mimic (In a good Way)…  I just hope they can learn from my many mistakes.  I really had no one to mimic growing up and I am feeling the pressures of that.

Peace and Blessings